My Shark Tank Pitch That Will Change Louisiana Tailgates Forever (This is satire, don't sue me PETA)
My Pitch: Crawfish Cage Fighting Championships
Asking: 200,000 for 10% stake in company
Looking For:
Legal Help against the likes of PETA and any form of connection within the late night tv network circuit. I would also like to partner with BET MGM or Penn National Gaming to have people gamble on their favorite crawfish. I have experience in broadcasting , but I would really like to get Snoop Dogg as a broadcaster if possible.
Target Market:
The entire south. College students with a gambling addiction. People with way too much free time.
How I plan to set up the Crawfish Cage Fighting Championships:
I would start off with eight live crawfish. Set up a bracket and name the crawfish accordingly. Here are some ideas on potential Crawfish names:
Joe Burrower
Moby Dick
Crawdaddy
Cray Cray
Spice Mamba
Mudguzzler
Next step, I will invite over my closest friends that have an inherit gambling problem and have them place bets on the crawfish. I will livestream the crawfish fighting. Losing crawfish gets put in the boiler. Winning crawfish of the tournament must be put back into the wild and will get to live the rest of his or her time on this planet roaming the Louisiana Bayou as a champion. This way the best crawfish survive and the weak crawfish become a tasty meal. The champion crawfish will get a t-shirt named in their honor. This leads to a life time supply of endless cash for myself and any other investors.
TOP THREE Potential Referees For Crawfish Cage Fighting Championship:
WILL WADE
General Will Wade is believed to still be roaming the Bayou. He would definitely except bribe money to throw matches. He would also definitely place multiple bets on the underdogs of each match.
COACH O
Reasons why Coach O would be the perfect hire:
When he gets back from Cabo San Lucas he will need something to do outside of trying to defeat the sun and staring down Frat All-Stars. Coach O is also notably a lover of crawfish to the point where he orders them even if they are not on a menu.
Brian Wilson
Reasons why Brian Wilson would be the perfect hire:
He looks like he would do this job for free. Plus as a former LSU relief pitcher we know that he knows how to get down at a good ole' fashion Louisiana crawfish boil.
ORIGIN STORY OF CRAWFISH CAGE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS:
To start off this origin story, I have had many people throughout my childhood tell me that my generation is soft, I would beg to differ. Here is a story to hopefully change the mind of other generations:
Growing up I spent my holidays around a table with a red and white table cover with a bunch of corn, potatoes, and crawfish on top of it.
Before we got to that point, my grandfather and I would always go out and get pounds of live crawfish for our boil. When we would get back to my grandparents house I would always help set up the boil. During the set up of the boil, I would always manage to somehow name the live crawfish. As I got older I slowly got into watching WWE and UFC fighting , so that is what lead me to put the crawfish in a toy UFC octagon before making the two live crawfish fight.
Be warned PETA this may be hard for you to stomach, but every time I determined a crawfish was a loser I would throw them in the boiler. The winner on the other hand would be crowned champion before also being thrown into the pot. For those who are in shock, understand that the winners went into the boiler with glory and honor.
This story is ultimately why I believe this generation is not as soft as other generations may say. While your generation ate your dinner and went to bed, my generation ate our food after giving them a personality, making them fight to the death before ultimately crowning a champion. We are not the same. #VIVAlaGENZ
Dear PETA,
No crawfish were hurt in the making of this blog. The ones that were hurt were not hurt by violence due to fighting. If you have any problem with this blog please take it up with the people who invented boiling hot water. I imagine those people will be hard to find so best of luck.
Sincerely,
Tatertot
With the pitch laid out beautifully in front of you, all I have to ask is who is ready to invest?